At the end of the day thats what they say – its only a job. Trouble is what do you do if its not your job? how will the bills be paid? What will you do in the summer when you have to take leave to look after the kids? Maybe its not the right place for me but feel the decision is being taken out of my hands with out the support to improve before its too late.
targeted thats how i feel.
Slowly having everything i do chipped away at – constantly
You need to take hold of this
you need to make it your own
you need to improve
but where is the …
we will support you
this is what we will do to help you
just patronising – tell me your 3 stars and a wish for this week?!!!! As if that helps?
My wish is that youd go away
or do what your supposed to and offer support instead of constant questioning
its strange how time changes our understanding of something that in itself hasnt changed. When i painted this some years ago it never occured to me how i would look at it in the future. Its to do with the passing of time and the stages of man – time ticking until for us it slows and peeters out resting for ever more. I wonder at what point i am in my own lifes journey. The solomn face watching, seeing, silently judging. Judging herself it seems as well as being judged by those who feel its their right.
writing here as allowed me to admit my inner fears and worries and in doing so has opened the doors for honest communication and the discovery that some people understand what im trying to express. It doesnt change the fear of what tomorrow might bring. People with a little power can choose to use it with compassion or as it sometimes seems, to further themselves under the illusion of support!!!
Chatting with a ‘real’ friend – one to one – helped me to see that the issues weren’t about me and that what was going on was tantamount to bullying and incompetence. Its still hard to see that I’m ok, consequently ive lost confidence in everything I do at work. This is turn reflects on how i feel about myself as a person. Lets see how the week progresses.
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
It doesnt matter who your God is but something that I hope will inspire me over the coming week.
Judgement day!! can i tick all the boxes – we’ll have to wait and see. Tension mounts as the pressure increases. Its so much easier to fail when under the microscope. Trouble is with anxiety, the abiltiy to focus seems to be harder to attain. Queen of procrastination at the moment, head spinning and panic mode in place!! The swan illusion is in place – gliding gracefully for all to see but in reality paddling like mad under the surface.
On a seperate note – trying to look at things through positive eyes – not always easy – however the journey to work is truly magical through Cranham to Birdlip – watching the everchanging seasons and the sun glinting between the tall dark trees. Its always a joy to drive through whatever the weather and I’m relieved to still be able to feel positive emotions linked to this.
Lying here stomach churning, wishing sleep would wash over me. Mind racing with all sorts of confused conversations. No one here to tell me otherwise or offer reassurance. The saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ is true I’m sure. When someone says they are always there for you, do they really mean it? Prob not – let’s face it, it’s not exactly fun being someone’s emotional prop.
So… I’m still awake with the silence of the night around me wrapped up in my own thoughts. Alone is a horrid thing.
Arms, that’s what I need. Just someone’s arms. Holding me, keeping me safe from all the insurmountable irrational fears and worries.
Tomorrow never comes but for me it’s already here!!